Anyway my many illnesses isn't really the focus of this post. I'm more bothered by my emotional ordeal right now. Have you ever had a fight with someone the day or night before and said something really aggressive or threatening only to find out that the next morning when you wake up the feeling of rage is no longer there and it's like you can't live up to the things you've said the previous day? Well this has happened to me so many times and i'm including my current dilemma to the count. You see last night I was reading a series of comments on FaceBook to my boyfriend and something I said to a friend upset him.
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| The comments made on face book. (The red dots are my posts.) |
So yes he got mad because I said "this is me loving you" to a guy friend. FYI this friend of my is scrawny and is a nerd a few years younger than me and is like a little brother to me plus he's very intimidated by me and he has a girl whom he really really likes but is too much of a coward to do anything about his feelings. My boyfriend is very manly, my age, hot and smart and funny. We've liked each other since 6th grade, we're in college now.
So back to the story, on the phone we start arguing, I start saying sorry, and it goes on and on and on till finally I said "You know I love you and **** is just my friend for crying out loud you know him!" and then my boyfriend goes "Yeah but I don't go around telling my girl friends I love you.". That's what shut me up. First because I never told him he couldn't, second because if he didn't I'm not really sure if I would be mad or if I'd understand because I myself do it. Third was because I was so frustrated cause he of all people know's that I'm very very loving and showy and cuddly to ALL my friends, girls and guys, so he must understand right? So we stay on the phone for a few minutes in complete silence and then I say "Do you still want to talk to me?" he goes "Not really", those two words made my heart feel like it was loaded with an anchor because it slowly began to sink. I was near tears. So we continue on the phone for a few more minutes just quiet then all of a sudden he puts the phone down. That's when I lost it and went berserk! When he put the phone down I text messaged him right away saying that he shouldn't come over today to visit, he shouldn't even call or text me and that i'm not like any of his x's. Then I turned my phone off. Just a little side note the thing I said about his x's is because all of them were such bitches and they all screwed around or left him so he's traumatized. We've had a conversation about this before already and he admits that he thinks the same of me although he knows that I'm nothing like them so he said he would make a conscious effort to try and be more "open minded" and "understanding" I guess.
Now when I woke up this morning I said to myself it's hard not to text him or talk to him cause we're very very close and we like keeping in touch. This is our very first major fight and I do regret the things that I said last night but then again i'm going to continue on being stubborn because I still think that I have a strong point to prove here. I'm no longer in rage but I want him to understand that i'm nothing like his past girlfriends and that there's nothing wrong with saying I love you or showing your love to your friends cause it's different from the love that you share with your special someone. I don't know if this makes any sense to people out there but if you have any advice or opinion, please you are free to share them on this post. Till my next post.
-smart aleck
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